As the higher libido spouse in my marriage, I grew very tired of trying to unravel the very tedious mystery of my husband’s waning libido, particularly as we get along so well. I read the books, I went to therapy, I asked gentle questions while not in the bedroom, I filled myself up and asked if there were “new” things he wanted to try…all the things you’re supposed to do…crickets. He said he was tired and stressed out about money…for 8 years. (And I’m certain he’s not cheating, as we work closely together and are in touch frequently through the day and see each other the rest of the time).

But, I secretly think a lot less of him because my sexual pleasure — this sacred connection between us, that is so meaningful to me and was once so easy and special to him too — seems so unimportant to him. Why does he deny me this? What obstacles are so important, so unspeakable, that they reduced our relationship to a simple transaction, laced with contempt, when I used to think he was…kinda magical?

However, I have come to realize that he (and many other men I’ve been intimate with) don’t understand how important this dynamic is to a woman: Your need for pleasure is my priority and I’m on it! That’s at the bottom of all the other stuff, (requests for equal sharing of tasks and shared emotional labor) really.

So, I empathize with this narrator. Her husband isn’t looking to pleasure her. He’s looking to BE PLEASURED, you know, be reassured that he did a good job, he’s still loved after all, needs, needs, needs. He may as well say ‘thank you’ at the end, or call her Mommy.

I’m wondering how she can shift the dynamic in the relationship. Is there a way to communicate this to someone who already feels deprived/doesn’t seem curious about what his partner wants and needs? Would they be happier in an open marriage? They don’t have to stay so…unbalanced.